Dear Parents.. Tips From A Positive Parenting Counselor

For example, you finished work and you go back home. Your six-year-old child has also had a long day after school and training. Then by evening time, he comes to finish his Math assignment and you sit next to him in his bedroom and see how he is performing. You find out that he is writing consecutive numbers in the wrong format, as he writes number seven after five instead of six. You are so frustrated that you cannot accept such as minor error from a six-year- old. You react harshly and say ‘How come?!We have gone over this!” or What a silly mistake!’. You start yelling and bringing up anything that you’re unhappy with about your child. At that same moment you continue scolding ‘so you still haven’t finished your homework, nor did you tidy up your room! I’m sick of this! Hopeless case! Go put your pajamas on and get ready for bed right now’.

Let’s look at what has happened here. Your stress was fully reflected on your child. You got so angry that you forgot that your child is learning a concept, and you forgot to accept that children are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them throughout correction and modeling. Yet you chose to scold your child and bring up anything negative that comes to your mind. Not only that, but you also labeled him.

Children believe what they are told by their parents. Words such as ‘hopeless’ and ‘useless’ for example may affect children negatively. The more they hear it, the more they will actually be convinced that they have minimal capabilities and lose any hope towards any ambitions they have. In the previous example, you wanted to refer to your child’s mistake in Math and the untidy room. Yet what was communicated to your child was directed at him not at the behavior you wanted to point out.

As a parent you need to work on your general approach towards your child. Ask yourself: how do I approach my child? What am I expecting after my actions towards him?

By means of positive parenting, try to focus your approach to help and teach your child. What you say and how you say it, has a huge impact. So, as in the previous example, instead of dashing into your child’s room while you’re already still not in the mood, you may wait until you have had your dinner, and had a break after getting back home from the long drive. Only then may you approach your child to see what he has done regarding his homework. If you find out that your child has made a mistake, help him correct it. Encourage your child. Use statements like ‘Don’t you think there’s something you forget?’ or ‘shall we try again?’ ‘let’s use your fingers to count again’ ‘you can do this’ ‘I know you can, so I’ll give you a minute to think using the ruler to count’. Then when he is done you may remind him to tidy his bedroom.

Now, this is a normal conversation that leads to creating a bond between the parent and the child. First of all, you showed interest in what your child is doing and second of all, you encouraged him in a positive way by correcting him and stimulating his thinking abilities. In addition, you gave him reminders for any other remarks you have such as tidying up the room. And of course, and most importantly, you avoided labeling him and you kept all your focus on the behavior itself.

The corrective action is to refresh and regain your energy after work and then approach your child. Keep in mind that during the week you don’t spend as much time with your child as you do during the weekend. So, use this time wisely as much as you can. Make it productive! Make it a positive experience and make it a happy one.

Alia Mebed
MA Childhood Studies Oxford Brookes University